And Jessie, the White Stripes? What the fuck is going on in Metropulse Tower? Are the record companies plying you both with Peruvian marching powder? Come on! Payola isn't supposed to apply to newspapers! I am all for a column or two every now and again to carry the banner for personal tastes but, shit, this is too much!

THIS WEEK'S PICK:

I am deeply, deeply, deeply sorry that I dared express an opinion that was not an identical copy of yours. After all, you do know everything about, well, everything and I was merely kidding myself to think that what I had to say was important in any way, shape or form. Please, please tell me what to think! My thoughts, beliefs, and desires have been nothing but a curse. I ache to free myself of anything that makes me different from you, so that I, too, may fill my empty days with nothing but blather about how rich I am, how fabulous my cars are, and stupid everyone else is.

Oh, and, incidentally, you can bite me.

Hugs and kisses,
-A

PS-Lit? Who's hitting the pipe now? Aren't they that loser band who had their one hit last summer and is poised to become nothing more than a Rock 'n' Roll Jeopardy question? Won't even chart.