This is not a laughing matter. Michael must be stopped. Now.

Subject: Just How Dangerous ARE Watermelons?
From: [email protected] ("Dominic Green")
Date: 1996/04/10
Message-Id:
References: <[email protected]>
Organization: Compulink Information eXchange
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Newsgroups: sci.archaeology

>For example, normal watermelons have 22 chromosomes. Diploid
>watermelons have 44 chromosomes. Crossing a diploid with the
>parent gives sterile offspring with 33 chromosomes; since they
>have an odd number of chromosomes, meiosis fails... (future
>generations of seedless watermelons come from more original
>crosses.)

Dear Friends

I am greatly interested in this ongoing debate regarding the numbers of
Chromosomes necessary to produce fertile Offspring, and have been reading
works on Cellular Mitosis with great enthusiasm. It appears that, if a
plant such as a Watermelon possesses twice the normal number of
chromosomes, the Watermelon will grow to Twice its Normal Size. If these
Watermelon-tested theories can be applied to human beings, why, then, an
explanation is forthcoming as to why there were, in Ancient Times,
'Giants In The Earth.' Von Berlitz's Law of Mythological Gigantism,
i.e., that gigantic creatures of Myth and Legend seem so large merely
because they are seen from unexpectedly close quarters, does not apply to
individuals such as Goliath of Gath, since the Bible records that David
was careful to keep Goliath at slingshot range at all times. Goliath was
thus evidently a victim of Diploidy, a condition whereby he possessed
twice the normal human complement of Ploids; he would have been a sick
weak creature, easily defeatable by a vicious Hairy Ainu dwarf such as
David of the Jews. Goliath would have possessed ninety-two chromosomes,
and would therefore have been doomed never to produce fertile offspring
with a human female, since their union would have produced a
69-chromosome individual incapable of successful meiotic division.
However, if Goliath had been crossed, not with a human female, but with
a diploid watermelon, which has 44 chromosomes, a vigorous
sixty-eight-chromosome man/watermelon hybrid would have been produced,
possibly combining the best qualities of both species - possibly the huge
size and aggressive disposition of the Philistine Giant, combined with
the succulent texture and sweet flesh of the Amazonian Watermelon.
Where did the 'Giants In The Earth' go to? Why are there none
alive today? They sired fearsome Green Men with Watermelons For
Heads, who still live in the swamps of the Nile Delta and give rise
to myths of Jack O'Lanterns bandied around on Egyptian Hallowe'en.

The undoubted truth of this hypothesis also sheds light on a worrying
trend affecting mankind in our own century - that of declining male
sperm counts. Well may Biologists say that 'Seedless Generations' will
result from a cross between haploid and diploid watermelons. Here we
see an explanation, taken from the Book of Samuel, for why our sperm
counts are declining! MEN HAVE BEEN HAVING SEX WITH WATERMELONS. This
disgusting practice must stop forthwith. Certain apocryphal versions
of Leviticus, indeed, recommend that, if a man be caught in such an
act, not only the man, but the watermelon as well, be destroyed.

Yours