Thoughts on downtown parking


Posted by conner ® , Aug 29,2003,17:07   MetroBlab
Hell. What's it all mean when even a dishonest man can't walk to work without having to breathe the poison miasma of crushed rock, dodging the shrapnel of concrete and steel shards slicing the air like so many wicked little bullets from the onerous barrel of some gruesome species of Heavy Machinery? Shredders, jackhammers, diggers, sprayers...like a War Zone, except with those goddamned orange cones in place of landmines. Fuck. I'd sooner walk the minefields blindfolded than put up with any more of those goddamned gaudy plastic atrocities, sitting in the road like big fucking dunce caps looking for a head to sit on...And yes, ma, my shoes ARE dirty, but I couldn't help it. Really. It's like glue in the street, all gravel and muck, a shit-swamp of mud, rocks, and the leavings of very large diesel automatons.
But that is what it's all about, isn't it? Progress, or at least the threat of it. Ho-ho, Bubba, and if you believe that one, I've got some little blue pills I'd like to sell you. Tasty, like Flintstones vitamins, but MUCH better for you. Like gobbling a handful of the very best pain pills, but without the nasty hangover...
Wait, forget that last part. I'm losing my head. I don't do those things anymore. It's not befitting a grown professional man such as myself to crawl around like some burned-out Viet Vet speed freak, saucer-eyed and sleeping in doorways and gobbling every kind of Substance on the planet that will fit in a mouth, a nostril or a vein. Fuck that. I am a PROFESSIONAL, not a jabbering dope fiend. There are rules of behavior, Ethics, Codes of Conduct for such things. We all must abide, Yours Truly included.
What the hell was I talking about? Oh yes, the "building" zones downtown. Parking in this hellpit of quasi-organized destruction is another matter entirely, a proposition best left to the Experts. DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.
But if you must know, there are Rules to this game, too, Tricks of the Trade. I'd explain them to you, but then I'd have to kill you, gun you down like a rabid weasel run amok in the streets...that was a joke, friend. Really, my methods are simple, and rarely violent.
Pay close attention: there are many red herrings on the streets, False Prophets that would lead you astray. Their numbers are legion: yellow zones, commericial loading notices, 'No Parking' signs...Ignore all of these. They are malicious and stupid, meant only to frighten off the poor in spirit. They were not meant for such as us.
However, do not park too close to turns. Those goddamned bus drivers do not like it. They are jackals, and they cannot drive, but will report you and have you towed. Shit on them. Their day of reckoning is at hand.
There is no reason to park any further than two blocks away from the building where you work. If you find yourself consistently parking further away than this, you are Fucking Up, or else not trying hard enough. You may not have the Gift.
The churlish men in the dark blue polyester uniforms serve no function other than to walk the streets and inflict intermittent suffering. Avoid them at all costs. If you find that contact with one of them is unavoidable, smile feebly and walk away, but not too quickly; they are suspicious bastards. Every once in a while, they will write friendly little greetings on yellow slips of paper and leave them on the windshield of your car. This is just their crude way of attempting social exchange. On the off chance you receive such a greeting, ignore it and dispose of it immediately.
Other than that, you're on your own, Bubba. Be careful; it's vicious out on those Streets, full of spite, vengeance, muck and deathrains of falling debris. And the pigeons. Do not forget the pigeons, nor let their appearance deceive you. They are dangerous; they would peck your eyes out and feast on your gizzard just as soon as they'd shit on that bench you're sitting on...

Followups


 Thoughts on downtown parking

Re: Thoughts on downtown parking -- conner
Posted by me ® , Aug 29,2003,17:16   MetroBlab
Rather deriviative of Hunter Thompson, but entertaining, I supopse.
Thoughts on downtown parking

Re: Thoughts on downtown parking -- me
Posted by conner ® , Aug 29,2003,18:05   MetroBlab
Yeah, well, just finished Kingdom of Fear, and was in that kind of mood.